New Surroundings, But Still - The Same Old Feelings

May 22

May long weekend, a time for planting and bringing spring to life. The weather is beautiful – better than most years. I remember our first camping experience together. It was a rain filled and very wet stay at the three sisters campground close to Canmore. For some reason the experience never dampened our love for the outdoors and camping.

But for now, for Marilyn, the outdoors can only be enjoyed via the big picture window in her room. I am thankful for it. It is a great improvement from the claustrophobic prison of a room Marilyn found herself in for the last 6 weeks. I am afraid that the view to the outside has begun to leave her quite depressed, realizing that she can’t participate in life the way she once used to.

We were blessed with a recent visit from one of Marilyn’s cousin’s family just yesterday as they and their six children presented an impromptu concert in her room. I was holding back the tears as they stood by her bedside singing and playing many of Marilyn’s favorite hymns and choruses from her youth. It was so good to see the joy this brought to Marilyn – if only for a short while.

As the day wore on and Marilyn’s pain began to envelop her I again realized the magnitude of the war that was raging in her body. Even though the pain and physical weakness is great, the mental strain is greater. There is such a fine line between knowing how much medication to administer for comfort when each dose clouds her thinking further.

Last night as I was climbing into bed the phone rang. It was Marilyn telling me she wasn’t able to stand the pain – even though she had taken everything she was allowed in the way of narcotics. She just wanted me to be there with her. I couldn’t and didn’t go. It would not have even been safe for me to drive again as tired as I was at the time. A call to the nursing station assured me that everything would be done to help her settle so I had to leave my burden with the nurses and the Lord as I drifted off to sleep.

Today my stepmother (Lyn) who has come to stay with me for a time, and I will go up with Marilyn’s favorite fast food lunch – KFC and diet coke. This is perhaps the worst combination for health and nutrition, but perhaps a pick me up for depression. The exercise regime will be on hold for the weekend as we make the effort to turn Marilyn’s spirits around. Moving is hard at the best of times, and even though this move has many positives attached, the negatives often have a way of overwhelming the good. I will pray for Marilyn to use her strong willpower to fight for control.