New Life

Romans 8:28 says : "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

I have often misinterpreted this to say something like “God makes everything good if you are a Christian. This is far from the truth. Everything isn’t good all the time. The verse clearly says that God uses all of life’s circumstances to “work together for good”. When I stood beside Marilyn’s bedside watching her struggle for the next breath, it was far from good. As I watched my sons lower Marilyn’s remains into the earth, the tears that flowed were not ones of joy and happiness. These were hard times that I will never be able to look back on as good.

What I do have is a hope that these horrible and difficult times are a part of a master plan that will fit into God’s gigantic puzzle of things that eventually become a beautiful picture of goodness. Often I find myself visualizing and remembering past vivid pictures etched in my mind and then God brings a new vision of beauty into sight. Along with the picture is a verse from 2nd Corinthians 5:17 – “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

Marilyn’s time of new creation has come. She is in a perfect state of wholeness without worry or pain. For myself, I have to unlock the chains of the past that often bind me from letting God take all of my experiences and mold them into the good He has promised in Romans 8:28. Often this is hard to do but time does have a way of healing the hurt and sadness as I move on in life.

The past few days have been both relaxing and enjoyable. Travel by train is at times very soothing and I highly recommend it. Even though we waited an extra 3 hours hoping the train might make up lost time, the overall experience was worth it. Tomorrow Lyn and I will make the return journey and hopefully without incident. Heavy rains and wind may obscure the beautiful scenery but my heart is lighter with fond memories of friends and family willing to stand with me as I move on to the new life God has in store for me.

I hope and pray that you will find the abundant life God has promised for each and every one of us.

Bryon.

Silence is Golden

It has been a very long week.  The first week living alone.  It has been a hard week but God has been with me - especially through the had times.  This week I have had to claim the words of Jesus from Matthew Chapter 11:28 - 30 as words of comfort and hope for me. 

• "28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Even though I did my best to keep busy, keep my mind occupied and lend a helping hand to all around me, at the end of the week a deep empty feeling hit me hard as I closed the door behind me sat down in an empty house on a Friday evening realizing that I had no planned activities to rush off to.  All I had was a house full of dirty laundry, unclean dishes and a floor that desperately needed vacuuming.   There were no messages on my phone, everything was silent.  I must admit I began to feel very sorry for myself.  Looking back on the week I began to think only of the hard times.  Times of missing Marilyn, the constant reminders everywhere of her willingness to sit and listen to my troubles.  The tears began to flow as I sat wondering how I would be able to continue on.  My times back at school had been good, but as usual, not everything had gone my way and in this moment of silence the only thing I could focus on were negative.

Getting out of bed Sunday morning was a quite a chore.  I was lying in comfort, writing this blog and the negative thoughts seemed to be in control as I wrote.  But deep down I knew I needed to push myself into action, get up and dressed for church.  Between the last paragraph and the one you are currently reading, I managed to force myself into the shower and slip into my usual spot in time for the opening welcome.  The music (as usual) was nothing less than wonderful and I sank down in my seat to get comfortable as the Pastor began to speak. No sooner had I almost drifted off into oblivion when I heard the familiar verse I had been contemplating all week.  The words of Matthew 11:28 shot at me like a cannon.  The pastor had and held my attention for the remainder of the service.  God has an amazing way of reminding us what we need when things are tough.  All week I had been asking God to "lighten my load", and by Friday only felt that I was getting ready for collapse.  

In this busy crazy world we live those times of silence are absolutely necessary.  My telephone wasn't ringing for a reason, my lack of plans and time alone - a needed refuge.  As I sit again with my laptop, finishing the blog I started this morning, all is silent again .  I am welcoming the silence this time because it means I can have some precious alone time with God.  I can sit and think of the blessings that have come my way this past week.  The many kind words from students at school, invitations for meals and the yard work I have finished before the snow flew.  Looking out at a yard now bare of blooms, and branches, also brown and bare - instead of seeing the drab negative side of fall, I understand that like me, these plants need a time of silence to rejuvenate.  Soon they will again display their splendor for all to enjoy.  And perhaps I too will find  soon again begin to find new purpose in life.              

Where is your treasure?

It is Saturday morning, I am lying in bed typing away on my laptop and missing Marilyn.  I know that I need to get on with my life and I must say that I am doing that - but sometimes remembering is hard.  Saturdays were always special for us.  We had our special breakfast spot.  I could always entice Marilyn to get up a bit earlier if we were going out for breakfast.  On the way we would often stop at a few garage sales.  Marilyn was a drive by garage sale shopper and I liked to browse through the back corners through dusty old boxes looking for treasures.  I miss those days.

Yesterday I noticed a family setting up their trash in the driveway.  Trash that was once their treasure.  Trash that would possibly become someone else's treasure.  It made me think about life.  We have a lot of trash in our closets.  Trash that needs to be discarded. Trash that we probably consider to be and hold on to as a treasure.  We need to clean out the dark and dusty corners of our life and set the trash out on our life's driveway where all can see.  Someone might just come along and turn that old trash into a beautiful treasure. God has a way of doing just that.  In the book of Matthew Chapter 6, we are given some really good advice - it says -  

• 19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
  

I think I will get up and go out for a drive.  Maybe I will find a treasure or two. It is still morning here.

Bryon

Much more to learn

Another week has come and gone and I am reflecting back as I prepare my heart for Sunday morning worship. I can hardly even remember the events of last week, just going through the motions of doing many things for the first time. The first time without Marilyn. The hardest part of each day for me is the morning. Waking up alone and thinking “I can’t share my thoughts with anyone, - all the decisions I make are done in silence and alone”. Then I remember, - no, God is still here. I have His promises. He said, I will never leave you in Genesis 28 “I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you.”

In the time God granted Marilyn, she taught me a great many things. Some of these things I simply took for granted thinking that Marilyn would always be there to do it for me. Marilyn was a list writer, a trait which I simply did not posses. On many occasions I attempted to make lists of tasks I needed to accomplish and things I needed to remember but invariably, I would loose the slip of paper I was writing on. Often I would start several lists, only to loose them all and then to find them long after the deadline for completion had passed. Last week I looked at the mounting pile of paperwork and wondered out loud, “how will I ever get this completed, let alone even started?” I cried out to God for help and he answered.

As I began to straighten up the kitchen counters I began finding blank notepads in every corner. Notepads that Marilyn kept for writing her lists. God reminded me that I too could begin to write things down, the way Marilyn had tried unsuccessfully to teach me. Looking at the pile of unfinished paperwork, I slowly picked up a pen and began to write. A few minutes later and I had a prioritized list. With the help of my stepmother, Lyn, I began working on one thing at a time and an amazing thing began to happen. The pile of work began to be completed and my list never once disappeared.

Today as I sit in Creston, awaiting a scrumptious Turkey thanksgiving dinner, I have a sense of accomplishment of work completed. Not everything has been finished but in my wallet is another list of things to do next week. Marilyn, you taught me well. It took almost 40 years but finally I have a list that I wrote myself and didn’t loose.

Lyn’s bathroom in Creston has a cute picture of a mischievous boy with the caption, “Please be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet.” God called Marilyn home because He had finished shaping her life into the precious jewel ready for His kingdom. For me there is still much polishing to do. The verse in Genesis is a reminder that God still has more to give, like teaching me how to write and use a list.

Bryon

A big thank you

I can't begin to thank all who have sent cards, made that difficult phone call, or stopped by to offer kind words and a hug. Every word, whether spoken, written or thought, has been treasured. As time passes, memories blossom. Everywhere I look are reminders of good times and precious memories. Some bring tears and others laughter. Everyone has been so kind to offer more than just the standard condolences and for that I am grateful and truly thankful.

With the help and support of my family I have been able to face some of the hardest times of my life. I used to wonder how I would manage when this time came and now I know. Without the care and love of people close, I would not have been able to do it.

On Wednesday, October 8, the family will gather at the graveside of Marilyn's mother where we will say our last goodbyes and place Marilyn's earthly remains beside her mother. I must continually remind myself of the fact that what lies beneath the earth is not Marilyn. She has bee taken home to her prepared mansion. I now have even more to look forward to because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my place is still under construction and that I have many waiting to welcome me home. The pain of seeing that empty chair and the flat side of the bed is still heavy and will never go away but the joy of knowing that Marilyn is in the presence of the One she loved most will always comfort my heart.

I must also thank the many who have put their tribute into a contribution towards the "Children's Garden Project". Marilyn and I were constantly blessed by letters and cards from different orphans who have had their lives changed through this worthwhile ministry. Marilyn's sister, Caulene has taken on a huge task of finding funds to enable the project to continue. Plans are now underway to purchase land in a beautiful neighborhood at the edge of one of Nairobi's major slums. A deposit of 1/2 of the amount has been made towards the 6.5 million (kenya shillings) needed to obtain the property. 6.5 KES (shillings) is the equivalent of aproximately $90,000 US. So far the donations towards Marilyn's tribute fund have totaled more than $2200, and another $10,000 has been pledged. Both Caulene and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Helping others live a positive and productive life was Marilyn's passion and I know she would be ecstatic at the thought of providing a permanent home for these needy lives. If you feel compelled to help in this way, the project has been left as an open fund through the Olds First Baptist Church. The information as to how you can contribute is written in the sidebar to the left of this post. Simply scroll down until it appears on your screen.

Hugs and thanks to all
Bryon

No Regrets

Over the last few days, preparing for Marilyn’s memorial service, I have been sifting thorough keepsakes, old photographs, and memories, stopping from time to time to wipe away the tears. We created so many good memories together. No one can take away the memories. They remain with you forever, whether they were good or bad.

In the 4th Chapter of Ephesians, Paul warns us against remaining angry. “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” The 4th chapter in the book of Psalms tells us to think silently about our anger while in bed.

I am so glad today that in our later years of marriage, Marilyn and I made a point to solve our differences before going to bed at night. Now as I hold on to those precious memories, the ones strongest in my mind are the good ones. Marilyn left the world with no regrets. All has been forgiven.

If there is something or someone in your life today whom you have offended or stepped across that line of tolerance, I urge you to make things right before it is too late. I know you won’t regret it. Be like Marilyn, prepared to move on with no regrets.

Bryon

A New Day

Many of you have read Ardith’s account of Marilyn’s peaceful passing. I too was with my beloved wife and watched for hours as she struggled for the next breath. Many times before, in our private conversations. Marilyn quizzed me saying “I want you to know that I am 100 % ready to go” she often said, “I have such a better place to go to than here with all this pain.” Then she would end the conversation with. “Please tell me if you will be ok”. Always I would assure her that yes, I would be ok but deep in my heart I questioned – “How will I ever be able to get over the deep whole you will create in my world when you leave?” Our conversations would end often with both of us in tears, and I would lie beside her holding her tight, knowing that I may soon only have her memories to hold on to.

Now the reality is upon me, I have been left holding the precious memories we created together over the last 40 years of first dating and then marriage. I sit alone in my comfortable easy chair – looking at her empty place in the room – remembering… Oh the memories – Not all of them are good.  We had our ups and downs, but I am so thankful that the ups far outweighed the downs. I will keep remembering and hold on to the good ones. These are the things that shaped my life and our children’s lives. These are the memories that shaped two little boys into two mature men. Men that I now can lean on for support. Men that chose beautiful partners to grow old with together.

I know that sometimes our friends and relatives probably thought we were crazy – the way we would spend our entire summers together as a family. Often spending more money than we really had to spend - on long driving vacations, and entire months volunteering in camp ministries. But these were the times when many of our family memories were created. These were the times that we could share our lives with our children and become close.

Now today as I sit here remembering and looking at the empty chair, I know that it was worth every penny. No, I don’t have a big bank account with disposable funds for an easy retirement, but I do have a bank account full and running over with memories. I do have two beautiful children who were willing to spend their day making sure that their dad would be ok. Yes, I can say to my beautiful babe, who now rests in the arms of Jesus. “I will be ok”.

As I watched Marilyn struggle for her last breaths I leaned over her bedside often and softly whispered, "I will be ok - you can go home now". I noticed often that she renewed her efforts to come back. Then she would stop, open her eyes and look to the sky and raise her hands out the angels she could see waiting to carry her away. She couldn’t speak but I know what she was thinking. We didn’t spend our lives in such close harmony for the last 37 years without being able to know exactly what the other was thinking. Marilyn was torn between leaving me and joining her beloved friends with the angels on the other side. I know she was reaching out to the heavenly beings that surrounded her bedside. Then she would think of me “Will he be ok?” and continue to fight for more breaths.

At 7 Am on Sept 17, I could bear it no longer. I had to leave. Ardith, her dear friend and cousin whom Marilyn played with and grew up with, was there for me. She took over and brought Marilyn the rest of the way to the veil. Ardith let the love of Jesus shine through her beautiful spirit and acted as Jesus would, gently lifting her spirit across the river and on to the other side.

Ardith I thank you from the bottom of my heart - for doing what I could not do.

The last 3 days have been a fog to me. My life whirled out of control. I thought that I could never write another blog. In fact I stopped right in the middle of writing. The last day of Marilyn’s life I felt needed to be told, but I could not bring myself to do it.  I asked Ardith to write for me - and thankfully she did, writing the touching account of Marilyn’s last breath on earth. Below are the words I had started to write. The ending will never be written by me because I could not bear to stay any longer. You have already read the ending in Ardiths’s account. Below is my account – The beginning of the end.

September 16
The phone rang minutes after I completed writing my blog this morning. It was the hospital. The call no one wants to receive. Please come – the doctor wants to speak with you as soon as possible – your wife isn’t doing very well. The words of my blog were still fresh in my memory. Today they had just rolled off the end of my fingertips. Not like other days when I struggle to find just the right words to communicate my thoughts. It was as if God had just dictated them to me. In fact I was stunned as I read and then re read them over again. These were not the words I wanted to say, they were the words I needed to say, both for those reading and for myself.

Today I was alone and I cried out to God asking why I had to face this by myself. My sister was back in NY, my kids all at work, Marilyn’s father and Dorothy at home preparing for a trip and my dear step mother vacationing in PEI and I didn’t even have a number to reach her with. The phone rang again – now what - I thought. I almost missed the call running around the house looking for a phone that still had some battery power remaining.   I said hello and listened as a familiar voice on the other end asked how I was doing.   It was Lyn, my step-mother. God has an amazing way of answering our cries before we even call. Although, there was nothing she could do to change or fix the problems I knew I had to face, just the sound of her voice reassured me that God was still here and caring for me and my problems.  After a tearful explanation of our situation I was able to focus once again and could formulate in my mind what I needed to do.

I needed to step up to the plate and be the person God had given me the responsibility to be. It wasn’t easy, first making calls to the family, while wiping away the tears and driving through the busy Calgary morning traffic.   I secretly thanked God for the invention of blue tooth cell phones for hands free calling while phoning. By the time I had reached the hospital everyone in my immediate family had been informed and were sending up a prayer blanket to cover me as I stepped into the family room with the resident doctor on my heels. We sat and talked together for over an hour, Marilyn’s doctor explaining the inevitable while lamenting that this was something that we just can’t fix.   I was thankful that Ardith had promised to sit with Marilyn today allowing me to focus on the doctor’s words and my tearful responses.

The room was quiet as I entered and Ardith put down her reading, unaware of my conversation with the doctors. As we spoke in hushed tones I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye in Marilyn’s sections of the room. Her eyes had flickered open. Was she listening to our whispers?

The rest of the story you already know. It is now time for a new beginning. Many of you have followed this blog from it's inception, and now the focus must change. Now I must start again - and it won’t be easy. I will have to rely on the many friends who have come along side of me during these tragic times. I don’t know where my life will lead me but I do know that I still have to travel on and I know that God will guide me as I journey.

For now I will continue writing and posting my thoughts. The blog will begin to take on a new look and focus. I hope that I will have you, the many friends who read this to carry on with me to a new future.

Bryon