A New Day

Many of you have read Ardith’s account of Marilyn’s peaceful passing. I too was with my beloved wife and watched for hours as she struggled for the next breath. Many times before, in our private conversations. Marilyn quizzed me saying “I want you to know that I am 100 % ready to go” she often said, “I have such a better place to go to than here with all this pain.” Then she would end the conversation with. “Please tell me if you will be ok”. Always I would assure her that yes, I would be ok but deep in my heart I questioned – “How will I ever be able to get over the deep whole you will create in my world when you leave?” Our conversations would end often with both of us in tears, and I would lie beside her holding her tight, knowing that I may soon only have her memories to hold on to.

Now the reality is upon me, I have been left holding the precious memories we created together over the last 40 years of first dating and then marriage. I sit alone in my comfortable easy chair – looking at her empty place in the room – remembering… Oh the memories – Not all of them are good.  We had our ups and downs, but I am so thankful that the ups far outweighed the downs. I will keep remembering and hold on to the good ones. These are the things that shaped my life and our children’s lives. These are the memories that shaped two little boys into two mature men. Men that I now can lean on for support. Men that chose beautiful partners to grow old with together.

I know that sometimes our friends and relatives probably thought we were crazy – the way we would spend our entire summers together as a family. Often spending more money than we really had to spend - on long driving vacations, and entire months volunteering in camp ministries. But these were the times when many of our family memories were created. These were the times that we could share our lives with our children and become close.

Now today as I sit here remembering and looking at the empty chair, I know that it was worth every penny. No, I don’t have a big bank account with disposable funds for an easy retirement, but I do have a bank account full and running over with memories. I do have two beautiful children who were willing to spend their day making sure that their dad would be ok. Yes, I can say to my beautiful babe, who now rests in the arms of Jesus. “I will be ok”.

As I watched Marilyn struggle for her last breaths I leaned over her bedside often and softly whispered, "I will be ok - you can go home now". I noticed often that she renewed her efforts to come back. Then she would stop, open her eyes and look to the sky and raise her hands out the angels she could see waiting to carry her away. She couldn’t speak but I know what she was thinking. We didn’t spend our lives in such close harmony for the last 37 years without being able to know exactly what the other was thinking. Marilyn was torn between leaving me and joining her beloved friends with the angels on the other side. I know she was reaching out to the heavenly beings that surrounded her bedside. Then she would think of me “Will he be ok?” and continue to fight for more breaths.

At 7 Am on Sept 17, I could bear it no longer. I had to leave. Ardith, her dear friend and cousin whom Marilyn played with and grew up with, was there for me. She took over and brought Marilyn the rest of the way to the veil. Ardith let the love of Jesus shine through her beautiful spirit and acted as Jesus would, gently lifting her spirit across the river and on to the other side.

Ardith I thank you from the bottom of my heart - for doing what I could not do.

The last 3 days have been a fog to me. My life whirled out of control. I thought that I could never write another blog. In fact I stopped right in the middle of writing. The last day of Marilyn’s life I felt needed to be told, but I could not bring myself to do it.  I asked Ardith to write for me - and thankfully she did, writing the touching account of Marilyn’s last breath on earth. Below are the words I had started to write. The ending will never be written by me because I could not bear to stay any longer. You have already read the ending in Ardiths’s account. Below is my account – The beginning of the end.

September 16
The phone rang minutes after I completed writing my blog this morning. It was the hospital. The call no one wants to receive. Please come – the doctor wants to speak with you as soon as possible – your wife isn’t doing very well. The words of my blog were still fresh in my memory. Today they had just rolled off the end of my fingertips. Not like other days when I struggle to find just the right words to communicate my thoughts. It was as if God had just dictated them to me. In fact I was stunned as I read and then re read them over again. These were not the words I wanted to say, they were the words I needed to say, both for those reading and for myself.

Today I was alone and I cried out to God asking why I had to face this by myself. My sister was back in NY, my kids all at work, Marilyn’s father and Dorothy at home preparing for a trip and my dear step mother vacationing in PEI and I didn’t even have a number to reach her with. The phone rang again – now what - I thought. I almost missed the call running around the house looking for a phone that still had some battery power remaining.   I said hello and listened as a familiar voice on the other end asked how I was doing.   It was Lyn, my step-mother. God has an amazing way of answering our cries before we even call. Although, there was nothing she could do to change or fix the problems I knew I had to face, just the sound of her voice reassured me that God was still here and caring for me and my problems.  After a tearful explanation of our situation I was able to focus once again and could formulate in my mind what I needed to do.

I needed to step up to the plate and be the person God had given me the responsibility to be. It wasn’t easy, first making calls to the family, while wiping away the tears and driving through the busy Calgary morning traffic.   I secretly thanked God for the invention of blue tooth cell phones for hands free calling while phoning. By the time I had reached the hospital everyone in my immediate family had been informed and were sending up a prayer blanket to cover me as I stepped into the family room with the resident doctor on my heels. We sat and talked together for over an hour, Marilyn’s doctor explaining the inevitable while lamenting that this was something that we just can’t fix.   I was thankful that Ardith had promised to sit with Marilyn today allowing me to focus on the doctor’s words and my tearful responses.

The room was quiet as I entered and Ardith put down her reading, unaware of my conversation with the doctors. As we spoke in hushed tones I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye in Marilyn’s sections of the room. Her eyes had flickered open. Was she listening to our whispers?

The rest of the story you already know. It is now time for a new beginning. Many of you have followed this blog from it's inception, and now the focus must change. Now I must start again - and it won’t be easy. I will have to rely on the many friends who have come along side of me during these tragic times. I don’t know where my life will lead me but I do know that I still have to travel on and I know that God will guide me as I journey.

For now I will continue writing and posting my thoughts. The blog will begin to take on a new look and focus. I hope that I will have you, the many friends who read this to carry on with me to a new future.

Bryon