Questions without answers

August 19, 2008

Questions Without Answers

I know we all have questions waiting to be answered but today my question box runneth over.
Why, after two long weeks in the hospital, is Marilyn getting worse each day instead of better? Why do we always seem to be waiting, waiting for doctors, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for answers, waiting for… Why does there seem to be no apparent schedule? Why do have to constantly play musical beds, moving from room to room to room? Why are we telling the same story over and over to the latest new nurse of the hour while watching the old nurses listen to another new story in someone else’s room? Why, why, why?????

The list of questions grows as our spirits and energy wane. I am frustrated, annoyed, exhausted and beginning to fall apart. Sleep doesn’t seem to exist, work piles up; my prayers seem to float aimlessly around the room with no purpose. I know that I should let go and let God hake control but it isn’t easy when I sit helplessly watching Marilyn grow weaker and weaker. Each day a new problem seems to crop up. Today, the results of Monday’s Ultra sound revealed that everything is “normal” – that should be good news but – Why have Marilyn’s kidney’s not functioning properly, why does she have a worsening urinary tract infection after several days of antibiotics, why is her blood sugar diabetes count on the rise when it was kept so under control at home without all the hospital interventions, why has she completely lost her appetite, why is 10 times the level of pain medicine not curbing her pain, why is Marilyn becoming more confused and disoriented every day?? I think the answer to to this last question is obvious.

Marilyn reached a new low today leaving me feeling totally helpless and then to make matters even more frustrating, once again we were “informed” with about 10 minutes advance warning that we needed to prep Marilyn to be moved to a new unit. This time all my questions for the reasoning behind another move were met with the pat answer – “Well that is just how it is around here”. I had been successful on 2 prior occasions to advocate the avoidance of moving but these last two times no amount of arguing or reasoning was worth the effort. So – we gat everything ready for the 5 o’clock move and began to wait. So much for my plan to get home early, fix our door and perhaps have some down time. Around 8 the stretcher arrived for Marilyn’s departure. Once again we were not told that Marilyn’s bed and bedside table would be staying behind so this called for some frantic reshuffling of belongings to be ready for the porter who of course doesn’t like to wait for anything. All this activity of course only put Marilyn into a higher level of confusion, and by now she was so weak she could barely muster up enough energy to utter a whisper. I tried to explain that I would go down stairs to her new room – 4618 and unpack and set up her things but she just didn’t understand. I went on ahead anyway hoping that I could have everything set up for her arrival. Once again it turned out that there was no need to hurry because I sat alone in her new room for almost an hour waiting for the porter to finally arrive with her in tow. I immediately ran to her side to see how she had fared only to find her quite scared and upset with the whole ordeal.

After venting all my frustrations I can say that perhaps this was Gods way of bestowing a blessing on Marilyn. The room turned out to be a private room filled with new equipment and the charge nurse in the new unit was ever so empathetic. The new staff was also wonderful and attentive saying that Marilyn would “most likely” have a much less chance of moving again compared to the previous unit. Time will tell. The waiting game will begin again.

Another added blessing – The TV worked and we haven’t paid anything for it. Not that Marilyn has any interest in watching at the moment. I was also able to have a long chat with her latest new nurse and retell her story before Marilyn arrived. After all the hubbub ended I sat quietly with Marilyn rubbing her back and she seemed to settle down. Of course as I was about to leave the vampire shift arrived with their blood letting paraphernalia and I once again realized that we were back in the hospital, not some luxury private facility.

Please pray for strength as I go home to the unfinished chores and Marilyn tries to start fresh with her new IV drip, changed drug schedule and new resident doctor. I just pray for the doctor/s prediction that all these changes will perk her up in a few hours. Once again – time will tell.
Bryon