Two Steps Forward & Four Steps Back

May 7
Marilyn was able to stand up twice and walk to the curtain, turn around and get back to the bed. She faltered a little the second time, thinking she was going to end up on the floor again but the nurse was fantastic and talked her through it. Her meds have been changed and today she was very groggy and slept the whole time I was there. But she didn't have the tremors as bad. I hope that the doctors can figure out the best combination so she doesn't have to be so sedated. I asked the nurses to get me some time with a doctor tomorrow so I can talk and ask some specific questions. It seems to me that a lot of Marilyn's problems come from her fears

May 8
More steps with each physio treatment but Marilyn still can’t stand up straight. It seems to me she is just doing what she is told to get it over with – not with an attitude to improve and move on. All day I sat and watched as she slept – only waking to eat – sometimes not even answering when spoken to and often forgetting things recently discussed. Twice she complained about pain in her “good” hip. I pray that the cancer is not spreading to the other side of her body. With only one position to be comfortable in this would be devastating. I see her “good” leg continually get smaller while the other seems to bloat twice the size of the other. “This is normal” apparently – the nurses tell me. More activity could help this condition. Another negative comment came after a short visit from one of my colleagues – “Is there any hope for me”.

I so wish I had some magic to keep Marilyn’s spirits up. On occasion her determination shines through still though with comments like “I can do it – look at what I have been able to accomplish so far.” Negativity is so hard to overcome. I must pray for God to help me with my own attitude. I know negativity and fear spawn from Satan and he loves to bring down the spirit of positive thinking without fear. Today I will keep looking up and take my directions and feelings from above.

May 9
I arrived today to find Marilyn in tears. The pain was out of control. She was so uncomfortable. Once again the nurses came to her rescue and repositioned Marilyn, fixed her mattress and settled her down. Upon further investigation I discovered that the pain meds had been changed again causing a setback in physio progress – another excuse to back down from exercise. Even though the exercise was lacking, as the day wore on Marilyn’s new pain medicine began to kick in. I was able to leave on a positive note.

May 10
Today I felt I had to confront Marilyn with her fears and excuses. After another shower (which should have been an uplifting feeling) Marilyn began to say that it wiped her out to the point that she just couldn’t put out the energy to stand, walk and exercise. With the help of the physiotherapist and all the encouraging emails we were able to get her up for another tiny walk. But more importantly she made a promise to push herself to exercise harder. Her physiotherapist made the comment “Don’t let this tumor control you – It is up to you to control it.” Later in the evening after the physiotherapists had all gone home,, Marilyn agreed to work on some leg exercises with me, rolling on her back (something that I know causes great pain). Shortly afterwards her student nurse came in to check on her asking ”how is the pain”. Marilyn’s answer – “Oh I completely forgot about my pain”. In less than five minutes the pain was back but thank God, for a few minutes there was relief.

Your encouraging words through emails, cards, and visits have been so helpful. Thank you again and please continue praying. Specifically, pray for power over fear and for strength to exercise. Feel free to email – I print these and Marilyn does enjoy reading these messages every day. My email is brseeley@cbe.ab.ca